Why some people just can’t catch a feeling …

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to have an emotional radar that’s always on the fritz? You might be tearing up at a sad movie, and they’re just … there, munching popcorn, perhaps remarking on the cinematography. Or you’re bubbling with excitement, and they nod politely, but don’t quite mirror your enthusiasm. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that their internal emotional dictionary might be missing a few pages.

This isn’t about someone choosing to be emotionally distant or putting on a brave face. It’s about alexithymia, a fascinating, often misunderstood condition that means genuinely struggling to identify and express emotions. Imagine trying to explain the color red to someone who only sees in black and white. They understand the concept of “color,” but the direct experience is missing.

When someone has alexithymia, they aren’t choosing to mask or hide their feelings. Instead, it’s a predisposition in their emotional system that makes connecting with feelings a constant challenge.

Current research paints a pretty clear picture:

• • More common than you think. Estimates suggest roughly 1 in 10 people experience alexithymia to some degree. That number often jumps significantly higher in groups of people dealing with conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or even autism spectrum disorder. It’s like a silent background process affecting how they experience life.
  • A tangled web of factors. Why does it happen? It’s often a complex interplay of influences. There can be a genetic component, meaning some people are simply born with a predisposition that affects how their brain processes emotions. But life experiences also play a massive role. Childhood trauma, particularly emotional abuse and neglect, are consistently linked to higher levels of alexithymia. If emotions were consistently dismissed, punished, or simply not validated in early life, the developing brain might learn to suppress these signals. Chronic stress, social isolation, and even certain cultural norms that discourage emotional expression can contribute. In some cases, brain injury or certain neurological conditions (like Parkinson’s disease or stroke) can also lead to alexithymia.
  • The brain’s emotional wiring. Scientists are even looking at brain activity using fMRI. They’ve found differences in brain regions crucial for emotion processing, such as the insula and anterior cingulate cortex. It’s not that these parts are completely off, but rather that the connections for understanding and articulating those feelings might not be as robust or efficient.

This internal struggle to identify and express emotions doesn’t stay neatly tucked away. It often creates challenges that ripple through daily life. Imagine trying to navigate a close relationship when you genuinely can’t put words to your feelings, or struggling to understand why your friend is upset when their cues just don’t register. This can make forming deep emotional connections difficult, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of isolation. In the workplace, it might mean struggling to read the room during a meeting, difficulty understanding a colleague’s frustration, or finding it hard to cope with job stress because the emotional signals are unclear. Research also shows a strong link between alexithymia and an increased risk for mental health issues like depression and anxiety, as emotions get bottled up without a release valve. Sometimes, this emotional disconnect even translates to physical symptoms, as the body expresses distress the mind can’t quite articulate.

So, if someone genuinely struggles to put words to their feelings, are they stuck that way? Not at all! While alexithymia is a stable aspect of how someone experiences emotions, it’s also partially modifiable. People can learn to better understand and express their inner world. It’s a journey, but it’s one with real progress possible.

Here are a few ways research-backed approaches help:

• • Emotional literacy training. Think of it like learning a new language – the language of feelings. Using feelings wheels or emotion charts can help build a vocabulary beyond “fine” or “bad.” Learning to recognize the subtle nuances between frustration, annoyance, and anger is a huge step.
  • Body awareness. Emotions don’t just live in our heads; they show up in our bodies. A knot in the stomach, a tense jaw, shallow breathing – these are all clues. Learning to connect these physical sensations to potential emotional states (“My shoulders are tight, maybe I’m stressed?”) can be a powerful gateway.
  • Specific therapies. Approaches like Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) are designed to help individuals gradually access, explore, and make sense of their emotions. Mindfulness practices can also teach people to observe their internal experiences without judgment, slowly building that connection between feeling and understanding.

Recognizing alexithymia helps us see that behind that calm exterior or struggle to connect, there might be a very real internal challenge. Understanding this allows us to offer more empathy and support, rather than assuming someone is just being aloof. It’s about helping them find their emotional compass and navigate their inner world.

Scotty