Hidden motives …

SCENE ONE – At the congregational meeting, Joe stood and shared his opinion, which included a strong recommendation for church leaders to carry out certain actions. Joe meant to contribute positively — something understood by the leaders — but following his recommendations would have been taking action that was more forceful (and thus likely less effective) than necessary. So the leaders thanked Joe for his input, but did not adopt his recommendations.

SCENE TWO – Jane thought the idea of the meeting was a waste of time, an intrusion into productivity, and wouldn’t achieve what she thought the boss really should do. But when he asked her to take on coordinating scheduling the meeting with all parties, she agreed. However, Jane purposely waited until the last minute to notify everyone about the meeting, resulting in some participants not being able to attend due to other commitments, and those who showed for the meeting were unprepared. The outcome was that the meeting was a waste of time and unproductive and had to be rescheduled. It also resulted in a boss who wasn’t pleased with Jane.

Both of the above scenarios are an example of passive-aggressive behavior, a form of behavior we often experience — and sometimes practice — in a variety of settings.

What is interesting to note is that passive-aggressive behavior is not always negative. It is sometimes a form of behavior that allows for inclusion without having to yield fully to the desires of one person. Leaders routinely use this behavior, allowing them to include the input of a variety of people before ultimately having to pare down information and make decisions.

However, passive-aggressive behavior can often be negative in nature, specifically when it is more true to its name: passive aggression.

Passive aggression is more common among persons who consistently have negative attitudes and are persistent with their negative views. Such persons will subtly (“passively”) be aggressive in turning their negative views into reality for others. A person is acting in a passive-aggressive way when they:

• • hide their hostility by seeming to be nice to someone others dislike, and are unable to be honest with the person,
  • say they agree with something but don’t follow through because they really don’t agree,
  • act opposite to what others are expecting,
  • quietly manipulate to get their own way after voicing a completely different opinion, just to keep the peace,
  • seek revenge by agreeing and looking “good” but never following through with their promises,
  • tell people what they want to hear, even if they don’t believe in what they are saying.
  • try to please people by agreeing to their plan of action, yet actually doing the opposite,
  • act one way, which is true to their inner feelings, yet say another,
  • are out of touch with their inner feelings; the only way to know how they feel about something is to observe their behavior, don’t trust their words,
  • hate something or someone but are afraid of letting their true feelings show,
  • feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when they really don’t want to,
  • avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, then procrastinate and never do what they agreed to do,
  • are angry but afraid to show their anger, so they quietly take revenge by doing the opposite.

Due to space constraints, I won’t get into the various reasons why someone may behave in a passive-aggressive manner, but the Bible gives us solutions to the issue.

First, we need to have God transform our thinking. Look closely at Ephesians 4:17-24, “With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”

God does not want us to be either passive or (negatively) aggressive but rather, to be Christlike! That takes a change in our thinking so that what we say clearly matches what we do, and both are in pursuit of righteousness. It changes our hearts about things, and clears up our communication so that we may be clear with each other, as Jesus put it in Matthew 5:37, “Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.”

Instead of being deceptive with each other where our thoughts do not match our words, and our words do not match our deeds, God wants to change us so that we think like Christ. Philippians 2:5 says, “You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had” and 1 Corinthians 2:16 says, “For, ‘Who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to teach him?’ But we understand these things, for we have the mind of Christ.”

Indeed, the Bible persistently admonishes us to be renewed in our minds through Jesus Christ (Romans 12:2, 2 Corinthians 4:16, Ephesians 4:23, Colossians 3:10, etc.). That is the only way we can overcome aggressively pressing upon others our own desires and instead pursue a singular standard: the righteousness of Christ.

Scotty