Four problems that lead to relational distress …

There are probably as many reasons for problems in relationships as there are people, but some tend to be both consistent and persistent! Here are four issues that tend to be common sources of distress in relationships:

Miscommunication – Effective communication can sometimes be tricky. To replicate in the mind of another person the same thought, idea, or picture that is in your own sometimes takes focus and patience. And it also takes some effort at listening on behalf of the other person. Not communicating well, and not listening well, are often sources of distress in a relationship. Communicating concisely and clearly, and focusing your attention without distraction on the communicator, are both essential for effective communication in a relationship.

Misinterpretation – The attempt to read another person’s mind gets us in trouble probably more than our efforts at communicating. Instead of focusing our attention at hearing precisely what the other person has to say so that we can accurately understand what they think and feel, we often jump to conclusions by trying to read their minds and then make assumptions. Making assumptions in a relationship usually winds up in conflict! To avoid conflict, we need to set aside assumptions by hearing out the other person, focusing on what the other person actually says, and only then creating our reply based on a clear understanding of what they have actually said.

Misperception – Often we develop an opinion of something we have only tidbits of information about and then act from this lack of information, only later to find out our perceptions were not based on facts and are quite incorrect. By acting on this lack of information, we often create distress in our relationships. Instead, when we perceive something, it is wise to seek out additional information until we know we have the facts about a matter and can make an informed decision or create a response based on truth.

Mismatch of expectations and reality – Very simply put, often what we expect from someone is just unrealistic based on reality. A wife may want her husband to be successful so he can provide well for the family, but only want him to work 40 hours per week. In today’s business world, that’s probably not a realistic expectation. So when he comes home exhausted from working more than 60 hours that week, there may be some conflict between expectations and reality.

A husband may want his wife to have a successful career, be an exceptional mother, and an amazing housekeeper. It’s easy to see such expectations are going to clash (loudly!) with reality!

Often, when working with couples, I find that failure to communicate effectively, failure to listen well and accurately interpret the communications of each other, trying to read each other’s minds instead of actually connecting with each other, and holding each other to expectations that are unrealistic are consistently present when there is distress in a relationship. Each of these issues are relatively easy to fix if both members of a couple really want to improve their relationship. Some coaching by a competent Christian counselor in these areas can usually help the couple enhance their interactions and expectations with and of each other, resulting in a more harmonious relationship.

Scotty