9 things you can do to understand people better …

Are you as understanding of others as you think you are?

It’s a good question to ask because we like to think we’re good at understanding others — but often the facts are, we’re not nearly as good at understanding other people as we like to think.

That reminds me of a story about an Alaskan trapper, told by “Source Unknown” …

There was once a widowed trapper who lived deep in the Alaskan wilderness with his 2 year old son. On one occasion their food supplies had run out and the trapper was forced to go catch some more food. The weather outside was so fierce he reluctantly decided to leave his son behind, entrusted to the care of his faithful dog. While outdoors the weather had become even more violent and the trapper was forced to take refuge overnight in a stand of trees.

When the trapper returned the next morning, he got to the cabin to find the door open and the furniture overturned. A fierce struggle had taken place. There was no sign of his son and his dog lay in the corner looking at him guiltily, with blood all over his mouth. The trapper was deeply distressed, and quickly figured out what had happened. The dog, without food, had turned on his son and killed him. Gathering his axe from his side in a fury, the trapper killed his dog.

He then set about searching furiously for some sign of his son. There was still a faint chance his son was alive. As the trapper frantically searched he heard a familiar cry, coming from under the bed. He tipped the bed up to discover his son. He was unharmed, without a scratch or drop of blood upon him. The trapper, flooded with relief, gathered his son in his arms. When he turned around he saw a dead wolf lying in the corner of the cabin. Then the trapper realized why his faithful dog had been covered in blood. It was the one who had saved his son.

How often we can be like that trapper, quickly assuming to know the truth about a person when in reality our judgments are terribly off mark.

Learning to better understand others isn’t difficult, it just takes effort. Here are 9 things you can do to help you understand people better:

1. Be aware of what you’re projecting about yourself. How we present ourselves with others can sometimes have an inhibiting affect, which can cause people to act in ways they usually don’t. If you present yourself as intimidating, unwelcoming, or unsafe, don’t expect the other person to be open with you about themselves.

2. Be fully present and attentive. Other people may be fully present and authentic with you as is possible, but if you’re not present with, and attentive to them, you’ll likely misunderstand them.

3. Don’t try to read/qualify/classify them, focus on understanding them. Too many people like to play “profiler” and attempt to “read” people as being certain types, temperaments, or classifications, usually with inaccurate conclusions which distracts their attention away from actually trying to understand someone. If you’re not an expert analyst in human behavior, don’t waste your time attempting to be one.

4. Observe them. Some of what we communicate to others is done non-verbally, so make sure to observe others closely. Take note of things like facial expressions, posture, appearance, movements, vocal tone, etc., all of which can help us understand a person better. HOWEVER …

5. Avoid assumptions. What we observe about others are good clues, but they always need to be confirmed. If a person maintains a serious facial expression in a light-hearted moment, it would be too easy to jump to a conclusion this person is serious-oriented or lacks a sense of humor. However, the truth could be that the person is not feeling well physically, or is mentally distracted by a serious issue in their life. Again, observe, but avoid assumptions.

6. Let them talk; listen for understanding. Observing someone could possibly provide you with a treasure of accurate information about them, or lead you to assumptions. Instead of doing that, let them talk and, as they do listen for understanding. We tend to start with others by talking, and when we finally let them talk, we’re waiting for them to stop talking so we can talk again. If you want to understand someone better, listen to them, and do so with the objective of listening to understand.

7. Ask questions to clarify and learn. This does not mean to quiz or interrogate the other person. Listen, focus on understanding, but when something is unclear, ask clarifying questions to gain understanding. Additionally, you can ask questions to learn more about the person once they’ve stopped talking.

8. Invite them to tell their story. People often don’t start by telling their story, so invite them to share as much of theirs as they would like to do with you. Learning a person’s personal story helps provide greater context from which to better understand them.

9. Spend time with them in different settings. If you have an opportunity to spend time with a person in different settings, you’ll have an opportunity to learn more about them, and thus, understand them better. Observing and interacting with a person in various settings can help you see how they treat other people, what they do with their time, what’s important to them, etc.

It’s easy to use a minimum of context to jump to conclusions about someone, but with just a little extra effort you can learn to better understand people if you try.

Scotty