Six positive reasons for always having the difficult conversation …

One of the most uncomfortable feelings you can experience is when there’s an issue or something of importance left uncommunicated or unresolved between yourself and another person.

To avoid such unnecessary and uncomfortable times, I encourage people to always have the difficult conversations. Don’t shrink back from having them, or delay initiating them. Let me say even clearer, whether the relationship is between:

• • A church leader and a church member;
  • A church leader and a church staff member;
  • You and a fellow church member;
  • A boss and an employee;
  • Parents and children;
  • You and a sibling;
  • You and your spouse or “significant other”;
  • You and a friend …

… or you in any other type of relationship you can think of, always have the difficult conversations.

Many people avoid such conversations because of the idea that having difficult conversations cause conflict or might offend the other person. It is true that both of those could happen by engaging with someone, but the greater truth is that ignoring a matter of importance between yourself and another person creates and sustains a division between you and them. So let me give you six positive reasons why we should always have the difficult conversations with others …

… BUT, before I do, let me make one more important clarification. What I’m talking about here is having difficult conversations over matters of importance. Not every thought, opinion, or preference you or I have that involves someone else is important — most aren’t! If you don’t like the color socks someone is wearing, the hair style they have, or such things relating to opinion or preference, you’re probably better off keeping that to yourself. Making unimportant matters to be something important is a quick way to create unnecessary conflict with someone else.

With that said, let me give you six positive reasons to have difficult conversations:

1. They can remove barriers between people by finally “taking the elephant out of the room.” So many people like to “avoid the elephant in the room.” That’s an old saying used to refer to people who avoid glaringly obvious issues with others in a weak attempt to avoid conflict or the possibility of “offending” someone. But it’s only by initiating or engaging in necessary difficult conversations that we can directly address any real issues with the intent of resolving them.

2. They are the means of improving understanding. So often what we think are problems or sources of contention between ourselves and another person are just unsubstantiated thoughts we entertain in our own minds without knowing the facts directly from the other person. Even in times of real division, we often make assumptions about the other person that make divisions wider and deeper. By engaging in difficult conversations we can gain a fuller and more accurate understanding of the other person’s thinking, feelings, and actions, and that can help clarify and possibly simplify issues.

3. They provide an opportunity to clarify expectations. When you have matters of importance with someone that are uncommunicated, there is often a misunderstanding of expectations between people. By having difficult conversations, any expectations that need to be in place can be communicated with accuracy and clarity. People usually cannot live up to expectations that they don’t know about or misunderstand.

4. They promote collaboration. When there is an unresolved issue or conflict between any two people, they can’t begin to collaborate (work together, pulling together in the same direction) on a positive resolution by ignoring the topic! It’s only by engaging another person in a difficult conversation that you open the means to collaborating with them to close any gap of division between you.

5. They provide an opportunity to express love and offer support. When we sense there is division between ourselves and someone else, we feel less loved or unloved by them; we may feel they are against us rather than for us. Initiating or engaging in a difficult conversation with someone is a chance to express love for the other person and clearly offer any support for them.

6. They can reinforce any appropriate boundaries. When an issue between people exists, in many instances it can be because one or both people have behaved in a way that is beyond appropriate boundaries. Having the difficult conversation can provide an opportunity to reset any appropriate boundaries and reinforce that that they are respected.

The purpose for having a difficult conversation with someone is to guard against allowing real difficulties to exist between you. But avoiding necessary difficult conversations will usually result in an outcome that is negative for one or both of you, and possibly others as well. The best thing to do, then, is have that difficult conversation. The people I know who experience the least amount of conflict and the most harmonious relationships are people who are quick to initiate the difficult conversations whenever there is a real need for them.

Scotty