Are you a reflexive or reflective thinker and communicator?

In the internationally-renowned Couple Communication I workshop offered by Scott Free Clinic as one of our six core services, we teach couples the difference between being a reflective thinker and communicator, or being a reflexive thinker and communicator.

We do this because we’ve become a society of predominantly reflexive thinkers and communicators … that’s part of our problem.

And being a reflexive thinker and communicator in your marriage will likely cause problems in your relationship (or any other kind of relationship).

That’s because the difference between being reflective and reflexive is profound; one is more likely to lead to better outcomes, the other more likely to create or contribute to problems.

So let’s get a simple definition of a reflective thinker/communicator, and a reflexive one. A person who responds to others or their environment reflectively is a person who takes the time — even if it’s just a moment, “in the moment” — to be thoughtful in an interaction or situation, and more thoughtful in what they communicate. This person chooses their responses, rather than simply reacting to persons or events. A person who responds to others or their environment reflexively is a person who reacts, with their reaction based mostly on sensory data (what they see, what they hear, what they experience, etc.) and/or limited input.

When we pause for as long as is necessary and/or wise (reflective response), we tend to make more thoughtful choices and exercise wiser decision-making. But when we choose to be reflexive (reactionary), doing so often results in some or all of the following:

– No consideration of God. As Christians, our lives should be formed and informed by the Word of God, and committed to doing the will of God to the glory of God in all situations. When we are reactionary, chances are we’ve missed on pausing just long enough to consider God’s Word for the moment or in the moment.

– Little to no consideration of others. When we are reactive (reflexive), we usually don’t take the time to give consideration of others regarding the issue or topic at hand.

– Nominal assessment of your own best interest. Have you ever immediately reacted to something someone said (or posted on a social media site), and very quickly regretted your reaction, suddenly realizing it didn’t just work against you, it created a problem for you? Being reflexive usually doesn’t even allow for thinking about what would be good for yourself.

– A root cause for reflexive thinking/communication being more negative than positive is that it almost always lacks knowledge; you react with having all the (pertinent) facts, or information, or hearing another person’s side of a story. When we are reflexive without having the facts or the truth to determine how we should respond, we make poor decisions and communicate things that cause problems or exacerbate them.

– A lack of understanding. Whenever you have a lack of knowledge, you’ll have a lack of understanding (to some degree). Making choices and communicating from a lack of understanding only creates or compounds problems.

– A lack of wisdom. It is possible to be so spiritually mature you can respond reflexively and your response be a wise one, but it’s not common. Wisdom is not void of knowledge and understanding, but is the best application of understanding with sufficient knowledge.

– Bad decisions. All of the above can only produce poor results because without taking time to consider God, others, and yourself, and to make sure you have adequate knowledge and understanding with which to make decisions and communicate to others (or even yourself!), you can’t purposely and consistently make wise decisions or speak wisely about a matter.

– All of the above results in being a poor representation as an ambassador for Christ. Every believer is appointed to be Christ’s ambassadors in this world (2 Cor. 5:20), so we need to be more reflective in our thinking and communication than we are reflexive.

– A final over-arching result of being reactive: A response that is lacking in love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, God first and foremost, and all people. But when we’re just reacting to them rather than being reflective, chances are we’re more consistently lacking love in our thinking and communications. Many argue their reaction was based on what they thought was in the best interest of another, kind of like someone reacting in a crisis of a car wreck. But we know that we have to be thoughtful about how to render aid to a person in a serious car accident because their injuries may be such that if we move them or try to help without being thoughtful of their condition, we could exacerbate their injuries. The same is true with being reactive; without minimal (even fleeting reflection), we can act without love, and that can cause more harm than good.

This issue of people being more reflexive than reflective is a serious societal (and relational) problem because it’s a habitual behavior with most. But habits can be broken! Just practicing a pause to think for a moment can begin to challenge reflexive thinking and provide an opportunity for a more reflective communication. In that pause, examine if you’re reacting to sensory data and limited input? Do you have the knowledge and understanding you need to make a wise decision or response? If not, choose NOT to react and take the time to gain the knowledge and understanding — and direction from God — so you can more thoughtfully choose a wise (or wiser) response.

Scotty