The invaluable practice of thinking with your spouse …

It’s incredible what two people in sync with each other can do.

Tim Hansel illustrated that fact through a story he relayed in “Holy Sweat”:

There’s a wonderful story about Jimmy Durante, one of the great entertainers of a generation ago. He was asked to be a part of a show for World War II veterans. He told them his schedule was very busy and he could afford only a few minutes, but if they wouldn’t mind his doing one short monologue and immediately leaving for his next appointment, he would come. Of course, the show’s director agreed happily. But when Jimmy got on stage, something interesting happened. He went through the short monologue and then stayed. The applause grew louder and louder and he kept staying. Pretty soon, he had been on fifteen, twenty, then thirty minutes. Finally he took a last bow and left the stage. Backstage someone stopped him and said, “I thought you had to go after a few minutes. What happened?”

Jimmy answered, “I did have to go, but I can show you the reason I stayed. You can see for yourself if you’ll look down on the front row.” In the front row were two men, each of whom had lost an arm in the war. One had lost his right arm and the other had lost his left. Together, they were able to clap, and that’s exactly what they were doing, loudly and cheerfully.

Even the Bible declares the great value of companionship or fellowship:

“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken,” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

It can be easy for us to understand that we might be able to do more, or do better, or be stronger by cooperating with someone else or others, but what about if we did more than just act together but learned to think together? What is rarely realized is that everything from mediocrity to conflict in marriage often comes because couples don’t learn to think together.

Robert C. Dobbs helps us flesh out this idea more clearly with this statement:

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.”

Instead of thinking together, we have been taught by everyone from parents to preachers to relationship gurus that compromise is the “gold standard” of relationships. But compromise isn’t the act of thinking together, it’s the act of negotiating against one another!

Imagine the impact on a marriage if couples dropped trying to compromise and instead learned to collaborate — to think together! Actually, the capacity for real harmony between a husband and wife is nominal until they’re willing to think together so they are capable of crafting a joint vision for their marriage. The prophet Amos helps us understand this essential value of collaboration by thinking together when he wrote this very concise and profound question:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:3.

To journey through life together as husband and wife is most satisfying and rewarding when you do so collaboratively — when you’ve taken up a practice of thinking together, and doing so, you’ve agreed on a direction that you’re both pulling toward in unison.

Having a joint vision for marriage isn’t about thinking alike, it’s learning how to think together (to collaborate). How are you and your spouse doing with that as a skill and practice in your marriage?

Scotty

P.S. One of Scott Free Clinic’s six core services is offering the world’s number one communication program for couples, “Couple Communication I.” We can only offer this when we have additional funds beyond the bare essential funds needed just to operate, but this program is world-renowned and award-winning because it’s highly effective at equipping couples with the communication skills they need to build and maintain a mutually satisfying collaborative marriage. In other words, they learn how to effectively think together. Learn more about the Couple Communication I workshop here.