The problem with trying to “manage” conflict …

Tucked away in the Old Testament book of Amos is a profound question with a powerful implication for any kind of relationship.

The question comprises the single-sentence third verse of Amos 3: “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

The answer, of course, is a resounding no.

Enter relational conflict.

Conflict is no stranger to human beings. Even the book of Job notes our bent toward trouble: “People are born for trouble as readily as sparks fly up from a fire,” Job 5:7.

Getting into trouble comes easily for us, but getting out of it, or resolving it in any positive way, is what we struggle with.

One popular attempt to deal with trouble is the idea of “managing it,” better known as “conflict management.” The problem with what is often taught as part of this concept are efforts that usually neither manage nor resolve our troubles. Psychologist Lynne Namka writes:

“Recent research shows that couples break up because they do not know how to resolve their differences through communication. Hostility only breeds more hostility. Venting the negative emotions may clear the air temporarily, but it does not solve the underlying problem and serves to make it worse. Backing away from the conflict and ignoring it only sends each partner into secretiveness, withdraw, and isolation.”

Instead of using communication skills that can prompt a person to take the actions of asking “Why am I upset? What are my issues? Why is he/she upset? What may be his/her issues?” we often take on more negative actions like blaming, defending, controlling, or withdrawing. As a means of trying to protect themselves in conflict, people often take up the following positions:

Control-Compliance: In this case, one tries to reduce conflict by being in control, and the other person reduces conflict by giving in.

Control-Control: Each partner believes that if he or she were in control, things would be better.

Control-Indifference: One partner tries to control and the other says, “Okay, let him do it; it doesn’t really make any difference.”

Indifference-Indifference: In this case both withdraw from the situation in order to lessen the hurt.

None of these positions “manage” the conflict (keep it from getting worse), and they certainly don’t resolve it.

For close to 30 years, I’ve been a certified instructor for Couple Communication I, which is an eight-hour skill-building workshop designed to equip couples in highly effective communication skills so they can collaborate together in making decisions and actually resolving conflicts rather than attempting to just “manage” them.

By being equipped with effective communications skills, people learn to significantly boost their self-awareness, significantly boost their “other-awareness,” and use effective skills to craft decisions and resolutions collaboratively and, thus, are mutually satisfying. We teach couples to use communication skills to think together rather than taking up negative positions pitted against each other.

In other words, we help couples learn highly effective communication skills so together they can agree on a direction, thus learning to more happily “walk together.”

Scotty