Why collaboration succeeds where conflict resolution falls short …

Conflict is an unavoidable part of human relationships because relationships bring together people who see the world through different experiences. Whenever two or more people spend significant time together, differences in expectations, priorities, habits, opinions, and desires will eventually surface. Even people who deeply care for one another will sometimes disagree about decisions, responsibilities, communication, or what they believe should happen next.

The presence of conflict does not automatically mean a relationship is at risk. Conflict often reveals that two people are attempting to navigate the reality of being connected while still bringing their own perspectives and concerns into the relationship. The important question is how people respond when those differences appear.

For many years, the common response has been to pursue conflict resolution. When tension develops between people, the goal is usually to reduce the disagreement, repair the relationship, and find a way to move forward. In many situations, this approach is helpful. A misunderstanding can be clarified, a problem can be addressed, and people can reach an agreement.

However, many conflicts continue because the disagreement is influenced by the way people see themselves and the other person. During conflict, people often respond from deeper beliefs about their own value, the other person’s value, and what they believe they must do to protect themselves.

There are three positions people may take when they are dealing with conflict.

The first position is superiority. In this position, a person believes, “I am okay, and you are not okay.” The person sees his or her own rights, needs, and perspective as important while viewing the other person’s rights, needs, or perspective as less important. Conflict from this position often becomes focused on blame, defense, or control because the person believes the situation would improve if the other individual changed.

The second position is inferiority. In this position, a person believes, “You are okay, and I am not okay.” The person gives greater importance to the other individual and begins to view his or her own concerns as less important. This often leads to avoiding disagreement, remaining silent, or giving in to keep peace.

The third position is equality. In this position, a person believes, “I am okay, and you are okay.” Both people are recognized as having value. Both people have rights. Both people have concerns that deserve to be considered. This allows people to address differences without one person needing to dominate the other.

The difficulty is that people do not always remain in the position of equality when conflict becomes difficult. When people feel threatened, they often move into defensive patterns that they believe will protect them.

There are four defensive positions people often use during conflict.

The first defensive position is control-compliance. One person attempts to reduce conflict through control, while the other person reduces conflict through giving in. The controlling person believes the situation needs to be directed, and the compliant person avoids further tension by surrendering his or her position.

The second defensive position is control-control. Both people attempt to take control because each believes the situation would improve if the other person followed his or her approach. Instead of working through the disagreement together, both people compete for influence.

The third defensive position is control-indifference. One person continues trying to control the situation while the other person decides that the conflict is not worth the effort. The withdrawing person stops engaging, and the controlling person continues pushing for an outcome.

The fourth defensive position is indifference-indifference. Both people withdraw from the conflict to avoid further frustration or hurt. The disagreement may become less visible, but the concerns that created the conflict remain unresolved.

These defensive positions explain why conflict resolution often does not create lasting change. People may reach an agreement while continuing the same patterns that produced the conflict. The immediate issue may be settled (at least, for the moment), but the relationship can remain shaped by control, surrender, and withdrawal.

A different way of approaching conflict begins when people recognize that the goal is not simply to end disagreement, but to discover what can be created when both people participate. This is collaboration.

Collaboration is the process of two people working together to create an outcome that neither person could produce alone. It brings together the thoughts, concerns, experiences, and abilities of both individuals so that the solution is shaped by the relationship rather than by only one person.

In collaboration, people begin by seeking understanding before seeking agreement. Each person communicates what he or she sees, feels, needs, or believes is important. The purpose is not to prove who is right but to allow both people to see the situation more clearly.

This requires honest communication. A person must be willing to express concerns without attacking the other person, and the other person must be willing to hear those concerns without immediately becoming defensive. Both people contribute information that helps reveal what is actually happening.

Collaboration also requires examining the problem together. Instead of one person trying to force a solution or the other person simply accepting one, both people ask what outcome would address the concerns involved. They look for solutions that consider the needs and responsibilities of both individuals.

This process changes the nature of conflict. The disagreement becomes something people work through together rather than something they fight against each other. Each person remains responsible for his or her own actions while also recognizing responsibility for the relationship.

Collaboration creates commitment because both people have participated in forming the solution. The outcome belongs to both individuals because both individuals helped create it.

Conflict will continue wherever people share life together. The difference is found in whether people respond to those conflicts by protecting themselves from one another or by learning how to work with one another.

Scotty