16 practical ways to be more likable to your spouse (and why being likable is important to your marriage) …

I once heard a wife explain to her distraught husband the primary reason why she was going to divorce him. She stated very concisely, “I love you, but I don’t like you anymore.”

That may sound odd but after decades of counseling couples, it has been my observation that remaining likable to your spouse is essential to both the quality and endurance of most marriages.

Research backs me up on this.

Studies of married couples have found that spouses who like each other tend to be more satisfied with their marriages, while increasing dislike is associated with a greater risk of divorce. That finding makes likability far more important than many couples realize. A marriage may survive periods when a spouse feels less loving or the other spouse seems less lovable, but becoming genuinely disliked can pose a greater threat to the marriage. A husband or wife can continue to love a spouse and still reach the point of no longer wanting to remain married to someone they simply do not like.

The good news is that being likable is not simply a matter of personality or something you either have or you don’t. Much of it is reflected in how you relate to your spouse in the ordinary moments of married life. With that in mind, here are 16 practical ways you can become — and remain — more likable to your spouse:

1. Pay attention to what your spouse responds positively to, and do more of those specific things. Notice when your spouse becomes more talkative, laughs, moves closer, prolongs a conversation, initiates contact, or seems glad that you are there. Those responses provide better information than generic marriage advice. If your spouse consistently comes alive during certain kinds of conversation, shared activities, humor, affection, or interaction, intentionally create more opportunities for those experiences.

2. Know enough about your spouse’s daily life to have meaningful follow-up conversations. Remember the difficult meeting they mentioned, the problem with a family member, something they were trying to accomplish, or a decision they were wrestling with. Ask what happened without requiring them to reconstruct the entire story. This communicates sustained interest rather than momentary attention.

3. Become good company during ordinary life. Instead of relying on dates or special occasions alone, make routine time together worth having. During a drive, meal, household project, or evening at home, bring something to the interaction: an interesting observation, an engaging question, something funny that happened, a story, an idea worth discussing, or genuine curiosity about something your spouse has been thinking about.

4. Remove specific behaviors that make your company unnecessarily unpleasant. Identify two or three recurring behaviors that predictably diminish your spouse’s desire to interact with you. Examples could include interrupting, correcting insignificant details, complaining throughout dinner, looking at a phone while they are speaking, turning conversations into lectures, answering ordinary questions irritably, repeatedly bringing conversations back to yourself, persistently correcting them, always having a recommendation to do something “better,” or making jokes at their expense. Work on observable behaviors rather than making a vague commitment to “have a better attitude.”

5. Do not make every irritation worthy of expression. Living closely with another person produces several minor annoyances. Develop judgment about which ones actually need attention. Continually pointing out misplaced objects, inefficient methods, forgotten details, imperfect wording, minor lateness, or small mistakes can make interaction feel like continual evaluation. Address consequential patterns; allow inconsequential imperfections to remain inconsequential.

6. Develop conversational range. If nearly every conversation eventually becomes about work, children, money, problems, politics, health, complaints, or household administration, there may be very little pleasure left in talking together. Become capable of talking about ideas, memories, people (this doesn’t mean gossip), aspirations, experiences, observations, humor, things you are learning, and questions neither of you has considered before.

7. Learn what makes your spouse laugh – and protect that knowledge from becoming ammunition. Shared humor creates a form of companionship that is difficult to manufacture through prescribed “relationship exercises.” Learn the kinds of humor your spouse actually enjoys. At the same time, do not get laughs by repeatedly exploiting their insecurities, mistakes, appearance, family, vulnerabilities, or things they told you privately.

8. Respond well when your spouse brings you something small. Much marital interaction begins with something insignificant: “Look at this,” “You won’t believe what happened,” “Did you hear about …?” or “Come see this.” Put the phone down when reasonably possible, look, listen, react, ask something, laugh, or participate. Repeatedly responding with indifference teaches a spouse that sharing things with you produces very little reward.

9. Stop turning differences of opinion into contests. You do not need to establish that your recollection is more accurate, your interpretation is superior, or your preferred method is more efficient every time there is disagreement. Sometimes say, “You may be right,” ask why they see it differently, or allow two preferences to coexist without judging which one is objectively better.

10. Become skilled at receiving criticism. When your spouse raises a legitimate complaint, resist the immediate counterattack: “Well, you do it too,” “That’s not what happened,” or “You always exaggerate.” Determine whether there is truth in what was said. A spouse becomes much easier to approach when every complaint does not require preparing for a courtroom defense.

11. Become dependable in ways that reduce your spouse’s mental workload. If you agree to handle something, remember it, track it, and complete it without requiring reminders and supervision. Reliability affects likability because repeatedly having to manage another capable adult changes the emotional character of the relationship.

12. Give specific appreciation based on observation. “I appreciate you” has limited force when repeated mechanically. Notice something concrete: how patiently your spouse handled a difficult child, the effort they put into solving a problem, how well they treated someone who could do nothing for them, something they accomplished at work, or a quality you still admire after years of marriage. Specificity demonstrates that you actually see the person.

13. Make some of your spouse’s preferences consequential. If they prefer a particular restaurant, music in the car, way of spending Saturday morning, temperature in the bedroom, type of vacation, or television program, sometimes choose it simply because they like it. A marriage in which one person’s preferences routinely prevail can make the other person’s presence feel functionally irrelevant.

14. Develop the ability to apologize without making the apology another burden for your spouse. Identify the behavior: “I’m genuinely sorry that I interrupted you repeatedly and then became sarcastic when you objected.” Acknowledge its effect. Do not require your spouse to comfort you, immediately forgive you, or reassure you that you are a good person. Then change the behavior that required the apology.

15. Maintain qualities that originally gave your spouse reasons to like you. Long-term familiarity can cause people to stop doing things that characterized them during friendship and courtship: listening carefully, making an effort with appearance, being curious, laughing together, showing enthusiasm, having interests, initiating activities, being considerate, and giving the other person undivided attention. Identify what genuinely characterized the relationship when liking came easily and determine which valuable behaviors have disappeared.

16. Ask your spouse a difficult, specific question and tolerate the answer: “What are three things I regularly do that make you enjoy being around me, and three things I regularly do that make you want less time with me?” Do not argue with the second three, explain your intentions, or correct their perception. Ask for concrete examples so that you leave the conversation knowing precisely which behaviors to increase and which behaviors to work on.

A good marriage should be more than two people who have managed to stay together. There is something deeply valuable about going through life with a husband or wife whose presence you genuinely enjoy and whose company you would still choose. Years after the wedding, through all the changes life brings, being able to say of the person beside you, “I love you — and I still really like you,” is no small thing, it’s one of life’s richest treasures.

Scotty