When counseling teaches people to cope instead of helping them thrive, something important gets lost …

During the COVID-19 pandemic, a 19-year-old college student identified in published research as Natalie found herself increasingly withdrawing from the life she wanted. Anxiety and worry were consuming her attention. She avoided running because she feared getting injured or being judged, limited her driving because she feared accidents, and isolated herself from friends. She spent much of her time in her room, increasingly disconnected from activities and relationships that once mattered to her. Although she had tried coping strategies, they had not meaningfully changed her situation. She was becoming increasingly isolated, unhappy, and discouraged about her future.

What makes Natalie’s story particularly relevant is what happened when counseling she engaged in focused on more than managing anxiety. Her therapist helped her recognize how her attempts to escape uncomfortable feelings were contributing to the very life she wanted to change. Together, they worked toward helping her engage in the things that were important to her, even when anxiety was present. As treatment progressed, she began running again, meeting friends spontaneously, attending social events, making art, and joining her university running club. Her life began expanding again.

Natalie’s experience illustrates a problem that deserves much greater attention in counseling. When someone seeks professional help, the focus can become heavily concentrated on teaching them how to manage their emotional reactions. They learn breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, ways to control anxiety, and strategies for handling difficult feelings. Although these tools can be very valuable, an excessive emphasis on coping can leave the person continually managing the effects of their problems without making meaningful progress toward changing the circumstances, beliefs, and behaviors that are the root cause of them.

The danger goes beyond simply failing to resolve an underlying problem. When people repeatedly use coping strategies to escape discomfort, they can unintentionally reinforce the very patterns keeping them stuck. Avoiding a difficult conversation may relieve anxiety today, but it can also allow a damaging relationship pattern to continue. Distracting oneself from distress may provide temporary comfort, but it can prevent necessary self-examination. Research on experiential avoidance has repeatedly associated attempts to escape unwanted thoughts and feelings with greater psychological distress. A substantial meta-analysis by Julie Penley and colleagues, published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, also found that problem-focused coping was associated with better overall health outcomes, while avoidance was associated with poorer outcomes. The researchers emphasized that the nature of the problem and whether it could be changed influenced these relationships.

This raises an important concern about what counseling clients are actually being helped to accomplish. Someone who wants to overcome destructive behaviors, change recurring relationship patterns, develop greater self-confidence, or address deeply ingrained beliefs needs an opportunity to do the work involved in making those changes. Learning to manage the emotional discomfort that accompanies personal growth can help, but if counseling continually returns to coping techniques, the client may never be sufficiently challenged or supported in pursuing the changes they came to counseling to make. They can spend their time becoming more skilled at handling their struggles without discovering how much of their lives they might be able to reclaim.

There are also counseling clients who prefer to concentrate on coping because examining their own choices and behaviors requires uncomfortable effort. Genuine change demands honesty, personal responsibility, and a willingness to confront things someone would rather avoid. Counselors must respect a client’s readiness, but for those who genuinely want to change and are prepared to do the work, the counseling process should make room for that ambition.

At Scott Free Clinic, we have always believed in helping people thrive rather than simply cope. We want people to recognize their capacity for growth, overcome the patterns that hold them back, and experience the possibilities that come with meaningful personal change. People seeking counseling should be encouraged to pursue a life that is richer, healthier, and more fulfilling than the one they are currently struggling with. They deserve the opportunity to discover what they are capable of becoming, rather than having their expectations limited to how well they can just manage their difficulties.

Scotty