In marriage, there’s something much, much better than compromise …

In our culture today, compromise is heralded as a virtue. But that’s because we put little thought into what compromise really is, and how it affects our relationships. In marriage, there’s something much, much better than compromise.

Achieving compromise requires the act of negotiation where the parties are representing their own interests and seek to gain something by the other person giving up something. It’s sort of like this negotiation for a famous old movie …

Back in 1931, Irving Thalberg of MGM decided he wanted to buy the film rights to Tarzan, written by Edgar Rice Burroughs. So Thalberg sent Sam Marx to negotiate with Burroughs, telling Marx not to spend more than $100,000, an extraordinarily large sum in those days. Marx contacted Burroughs and asked how much he wanted for the film rights. “$100,000,” said Burroughs. When Marx offered him $25,000, Burroughs walked out of the meeting. However, Marx and Burroughs continued to negotiate throughout the summer. Burroughs eventually settled for $40,000. After signing the contract, Burroughs admitted that he had wanted MGM and Thalberg to make the picture so badly, they could have had it for nothing if they had insisted. “Mr. Burroughs,” replied Marx, “If you had held out, you would have gotten $100,000!”

We’re often taught that compromise is essential to a lasting marriage. The problem with that is we’re teaching people to negotiate AGAINST their spouses! While we might be able to get our spouses to give up something so we can gain something, keep this in mind: people tend to remember their losses more than they do their gains. Such emotional festering in a marriage can lead to troubles that make any gains from compromise not worth the getting.

Instead of settling for compromise, there’s something much, much better for couples – something that can actually enrich their marriage and directly contribute to sustaining a joyful union.

What is this great virtue?

COLLABORATION.

For more than 25 years, I’ve been an instructor for the number one training program on couple communication in the world, and the workshop is focused on equipping couples with collaborative communication skills. After the first session of one workshop, a minister participating in the training shared with me that he was uncomfortable with the term “collaboration.”

I wasn’t surprised he had some initial discomfort with the concept because it’s a word we rarely use and an approach we’re taught even more rarely. So I often ask people, “What does ‘collaboration’ mean?” The usual response is that to collaborate means to work together.

Exactly!

It’s working in unison, like two ox bound together, pulling in the same direction for a MUTUAL goal!

The great value of developing skills to communicate collaboratively is that you’re not just looking to your own interests, and you’re not negotiating with your spouse for them to give up something; instead, each partner brings their strengths and weaknesses to collaborate in creating something that couldn’t exist without BOTH of them contributing! When we collaborate with our spouses, we value and respect self, other, and US! When we settle on compromise, the outcome is often a mess more like this …

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. “Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.” “But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked. “None survived the branding!”

And many marriages don’t survive much compromise, either. That’s because we tend to remember our losses over our gains.

Marriage isn’t supposed to be a life of negotiation and giving up things. Instead, it’s supposed to be about building something beautiful together, a collaboration in living that couples experience as led by the Lord.

Is compromise marring your marriage, or have you learned to communicate collaboratively with your spouse?

Scotty

NOTE: To learn more about the internationally-acclaimed, award-winning Couple Communication training program offered by the Scott Free Clinic, click here.